Thunderstorm

I've had a lot of things roll through my mind recently. I've been thinking about old times; old dreams. But today we had a brief thunderstorm, with hail and high winds and rain so hard I couldn't see across the yard.

The weather was a lesson.

The worst part of this sort of thing isn't my own hurt. Its watching someone I love hurt so badly.

I was only a kid when my dad died.

It was 26 years ago. That's a long time to get on with life. I've lived so much more of my life without him than I did with him. It does seem so terrible to have lost so much time, but in a way that's always made it easier for me. I was young enough that I never had time to make those really deep memories.

My husband is 32. That's a lot more years of joy, pain and memories to sort through. And a lot more things to realize that he'll miss.

Of course, its just a guess. As sensitive as I think I am to what's going on in other people's heads, I can't know, all the way, what anyone else feels. Not even the person I know best in the whole world, after myself of course.

Its hard to watch. But that's the downfall of truly loving someone I suppose. That's the real difference between infatuation and love. When you love someone, its part of the deal to hurt even more because they are hurting, than your own pain ever causes.

Its a loop. He loves his father -- watching his father's pain is hurting him. And watching the pain of them both feels a bit like being caught in a thunderstorm without shelter.

There's likely to be damage left behind; branches broken. But eventually, the leaves regrow and the flowers heal.

So do hearts.

Just Movin' Along

Even now, I'm not immune to the inescapable happiness of a beautiful summer day.

Depends on the calendar you look at for the exact moment, but it's the summer solstice -- Litha, Midsummer -- and even for non-pagan types, just a lovely day.

This morning, on my way to work, I heard a song in the car that always makes me feel
like summer. So, on this happy note, I've decided to do homage to my friend Teej's blog http://www.teejalicious.blogspot.com/ (who I can't help but want to call Joe) and have my very own Song of the Day.

My SOTD is "Long Time" by Boston. Specifically because of a summertime, a "long time" ago. I remember being with Teej (Joe!) and Jake, while they were painting some garage. I have no idea who's garage this was, and I don't remember why they were painting it. But I do remember it was black and white. I remember that they were alternating between bitching and laughing a lot. I remember smoking Newport cigarettes. It was hot as sin and Boston's self titled album was playing. Probably on a cassette. It was 1992 after all.

The lyrics resonate with me now in a way they didn't back then. Its perfect for remembering. That summer was one of the best and worst I've ever experienced. But luckily, time has a way of tempering things. I am much the same person I was back then, yet completely different. I think of the line where it says "I think I should be going" makes me think of how we all have to go our own way. Not so much stay apart from each other, but not try to walk the same path. When you do that, you end up living a life that wasn't meant for you. And a lot of pain follows. There's pain on your own path too, but its pain you are wired to handle.

"Yeah. It's been such a long time, I think I should be goin', yeah
And time doesn't wait for me, it keeps on rollin'
There's a long road, I've gotta stay in time with
I've got to keep on chasin' that dream, though I may never find it
I'm always just behind it.

Well I'm takin' my time, I'm just movin' along
Takin' my time, just movin' along
Takin' my time, takin' my time…"

So here's to Boston, summer, old friends and finally being old enough to start to forget the bad stuff and remember only the smell of paint, hot pavement under bare feet and laughter on a perfect day a long time ago….

Convince my Heart

It occurs to me that if you read this, and know nothing else about me, you might be led to believe that I am sad and pensive.

I'm not.

I can be; true. Hell, I can even be wise at times. But more often, I'm stumbling about. I'm rambling sarcastic nonsense and there's usually dirt under my fingernails.

For a while, I'm likely to post my sadness. It is rather large at the moment. But even the worst of pains fade with time. I do also have a strange fear of seeming too flippant now. As if feeling joy or humor is wrong somehow. I know with my intellect that it is not.

My heart is harder to convince.

Precious Time

To watch someone slowly fade away is the most painful thing.

But there is a grace in it too. Unlike so many deaths, a slow death gives not just pain, but peace.

There's time to say the things that you need to say. If you have the courage.

I'm not always so good at speaking those sorts of things. But showing . . . that I can do.

It was my husband's idea; we made a DVD photo slide show for his dad for Father's Day. It was obviously stupid to buy "stuff" for him, since there isn't much time left for things. So we made slide shows of fishing and hunting -- his two favorite things in the world.

Those memories made him laugh and cry.


Not just for us, this grace of time; for him too. He gets a chance to remember, and say goodbye.