Catch Water in a Sieve

I am, at my core, a control freak. Not to control other people -- I realized that was like trying to catch water in a sieve a long time ago -- but to control myself.

It's a good thing to have; self-control. But there can be a point when you've taken it too far. I also realized that a long time ago. I used to be very stoic when it came to expressing serious emotions. I would put on my stone face, and never cry.

I think I learned this particular skill as a child while my dad was dying. I had to be strong. Or so everyone told me.

As I've gotten older, I've realized that doesn't do me or anyone else any good. I've learned to cry again, but in my own controlled way. Usually.

In the last few days, as my family has been struggling with this new illness, I've been struggling too. Although there are still details to learn, it seems that soon we'll be dealing with death. Although death is always nearby -- its part of being alive--knowing there's a time line; so concrete. There's no way to hide it in the back of your mind and pretend we're immortal in the physical.

Its hurting me more than I expected. Its bringing back a lot of old pain I thought was gone. This man, who is my husband's father, has come to be like my father.

Its very easy for me to fall into despair. To think about the loss of my biological father and my grandfather, and just fall apart. It is easy to be selfish and deny this pain by creating different, personal pain. I see it happening around me; people hurting themselves to bury the real pain of loss that we can all feel coming.

I've felt myself doing this too. And at the same time, I'm trying to be very strong for the rest of the family. Trying to be someone who can be there to lean on.

I'm leaning now on my faith. I believe very firmly that we ARE immortal in the spiritual sense. What makes us alive doesn't just disappear. It continues. I'm not the type to speculate on HOW we go on, or even where we go. But I know there is not an end. I think we all have been there but just don't remember.

I also believe we are all part of one continuous stream of energy. I'm a pantheist.

Pantheism (Greek: πάν ( 'pan' ) = all and θεός ( 'theos' ) = God) literally means "God is All" and "All is God". It is the view that everything is of an all-encompassing immanent god; or that the universe, or nature, and God are equivalent. (From en.wikipedia.org/wiki/PanTheist )

This helps a little.

So I'm not at peace right now. But I try to hang on to the peace I know is there, even if I can't see it right now.