Private Delusions

In general, I am very private.

This may come as a surprise to the people that know me. However, most of my thoughts and feelings I keep to myself. And for good reason. Some things lose their meaning when they become ink on paper or pixels on a screen.

Some thoughts are exceedingly foolish when they see the light of day.

I have, on and off, for years kept a private journal. But now, and for a long time, I have not written a single word. I'm not entirely sure why that is, but I think it is the same reason I share my thoughts so infrequently. At least my deep abiding thoughts anyway.

Occasionally, I just can't hold it in and I blurt something out that I've wanted to say for a long time. Usually it causes strife. But there are times and thoughts that I cannot keep inside, even if I intended to.

I know this is all rather vague, but that's the way it needs to be. I am quite certain that there are things that I should not post on the Internet for the whole world to see, and still be able to keep my dignity. More than I care to admit, I do concern myself with the opinions others have of me.

It's funny, though, what that means to me. I am not all that concerned with whether or not people in general choose to like me. There are very few people who's ideas of me make any impact. Which is an exceptionally cold thing to say, I know, but honest. I am okay with being despised, as long as it is for the right reasons.

Hate me for who I am if you must, but don't have delusions about who that is. Chances are, if you look down on me, in my mind, your opinion doesn't matter. There are only a select few individuals that have touched my life who's opinions mean something to me. If you are one of those few, I'm sure you know who you are.

How to tell? You know more than what I've written here. Perhaps you've seen me truly angry, or you have seen me cry. Or you've been there when my mouth has gotten out of my control and you have seen, if just for a moment, the truth of who I am.

Or you haven't, and you have no idea what I'm talking about. And I'm the one that's delusional.

I wonder if anyone really knows me at all.