The Explanation

I have spent an enormous amount of time trying to put into words what I believe. Every time I feel like I've failed. Be it written or spoken, when I try to articulate the feelings, the deep meanings; I come up hideously short.

Or even more ridiculously sounding like a flake. Which does worry me more than it should. When it comes down to it, what am I trying to prove? Who do I need to impress?

It hit me today.

I'm trying to impress myself. There is a very logical and cynical part of me that thinks everything should be black and white. Everything should fall into neat little categories of true and untrue, right and wrong, good and evil. But it doesn't. Nor does faith fit into any neat little category I can file under a simple heading.

I have spent a lot of time lately feeling like garbage. I felt as if I had failed at some unattainable ideal and I should just quit. Since I could never be the best I should be nothing at all, just a leaf thrown along in a raging current.

I am a fool for thinking and feeling that way.

While it is true that I cannot change the raging current of the river, I can choose to shoot the rapids instead on agonizing over the bumpy ride. I can revel in the spray on my face and the sound of water over rocks, instead of holding myself so tightly in fear that my bones shatter like glass against the boulders.

I cannot control the current of my life either. It will be what it will be. Everyone around me has their own plan and their own path they are following and I need to accept this.

Well, that and shoot my demons in the head instead of trying to placate them.

I do not doubt there will be death throws as the demons die. I will still feel the desire to categorize myself, my beliefs and the things around me. But I am the one in control of my own self, of my soul, of my spirit. And no matter what happens, whether it be a calm place where the water widens out and moves slowly and peacefully, or a plunging waterfall . . . I will be as strong as my life requires. And then just a little more, for good measure.